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blues straight, my own way. Be important. Change things for the better. But I know, I know if I do it,
I'll never be the same again. I'll be I don't know what I'll be. Someone or something else. Damn it,
it's hard to say what I mean. We've been building up to this thing since I got to this world. And I'm
excited, but I'm scared, too, I've been scared since I got here. Not of fighting or playing, or the bad
stuff like that. But of what it's gonna do to me, what happens to me, inside, where I live. What do I
become?"
Slim and Nadine were lying in bed enjoying each other, the morning sunlight before the heat, and
hot coffee. As the event grew closer, Slim grew more and more nervous. Especially after what
Elijigbo had told him the day before. He hadn't slept much or well. They were due to pick up his amp
and guitar today, and he wondered if he was even together enough to plug in and play. There was an
excitement in him, a part that looked at a positive motion forward. But there was another part, a
sensitive, afraid part, that was depressed and scared and wondering what to do.
"It's like being a hermit," he said. "All the time I lived in the city, I thought I wanted to be in the
country. So I moved to the country and decided to be a hermit until I could get my life together. Me
and my bright ideas, right? What I didn't count on, what I didn't think about, was that being a hermit
meant being alone. Man, I'd been lonely in my life, but I didn't realize how totally devastating
loneliness could be until I was out there all by myself, no friends, no relatives, nobody but me and my
cats. You'd go outside at night and hear complete silence, not a sign that there was any other human
being around. Desperate, oppressive loneliness. I mean, I got suicidal after a while, but I kept thinking,
nah, I'd screw it up like I screwed up everything else in my life. The bullet would graze my head,
probably wound me just enough so that I'd have to work in a convenience store.
"This deal's kinda like that. The loneliness almost killed me, but it came from a choice I made
myself. Now, here's this change coming. Most of the changes in my life have been for the better. Even
the bad ones had some good in 'em. Then I get knocked into this world and things got real good,
almost perfect. I'm scared of losing it all, losing you and losing me."
Nadine snuggled up closer to him and slipped her warm hand between his legs, held him. "Baby,"
she said, "it's still your choice."
"Don't you get scared, Nadine?"
"Yes no I don't know. It scares me. When the Vipers grabbed me I just about peed my pants I
was so scared. But to tell the truth, I'm more scared for you than I am with me. I look at you and
you're strong and smart and you can play. But I know that, inside, you're really fragile. I know you
could break easy, and I know how bad you've been hurt. I just don't want anything to happen to you
because of me, or because of what's going on."
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"But that's not what I'm scared of," Slim said. "Don't you see? If I get hurt or something, I can
deal with that. That heals. I'm afraid of the change, that I'll change so much I'll lose you and Progress
and this whole crazy world. There's the Gutbucket and there's this Shango, this God or whatever he is.
And I'm caught in the middle with everyone counting on me. And all I really want to do is love you
and play the fucking blues."
Nadine caressed and held him closer. "You already have that," she said. "You already have me.
But you have to take care of business, too, you have to pay your dues for being here. This is your
world now. You have to decide what kind of world you want it to be: our kind of world, or the kind T-
Bone wants to make it. There's nothing that says we're going to win, you know. T-Bone's gone a long
way with his little empire, and people don't want to live without the things he produces and controls.
And listen, even if we get rid of him, there are always more just like him looking for a chance to take
over. But he's the worst. Get rid of him and maybe we can save what we have. Maybe we can save
those five-calendar café's and hamburger stands and dancing in the dark. Maybe we can keep the blues
free, keep the people free."
"Not much of a revolution," Slim said wryly. "Just hanging on to what we have."
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